Wanting Everything and Doing Nothing

Hello everyone

I’ve missed blogging! I don’t know for how long I’ve been gone and it just feels so good to write down my thoughts. Over the past few months a lot has happened: I moved to a new city, my boyfriend turned 30, we got engaged, we had a lot of visitors from abroad in our new apartment, my best friend got married, and I started the first year of my education in essence work (a work that combines spirituality and psychology, meditation and therapy). I also completely lost myself in all of this.

After I passed the bar exam last summer and almost lost my sanity on the way there it became very clear to me that my days as an overachiever at work were over. As interesting Swiss law may be, I look at it more as a challenge for my thinking mind than as my life’s purpose. It is, however, the only thing I can realistically earn a living with at the moment. So I decided to go back to University and work 50 % as an assistant in criminal law (paid) and write a pHD during the other half of my 42-hours work week (not paid). In my spare time I wanted to continue my education as a meditation teacher and share my experiences here on this blog. After a couple of months at University I unexpectedly got a job as a meditation teacher at NOW Meditation in Zurich and soon after that it was time for me to finally move out from my parents house and build up my own life.

My schedule became more and more full and my stubborn mind wanted it all: Being an assistant, a meditation teacher, taking classes in meditation, writing a thesis, helping my best friend to organize her wedding, moving, being in a long distance relationship, learning Arabic (my fiancé is Egyptian), and keeping my house clean and my laundry done. Those of you who know me are aware of the fact that I am not only an (apparently incurable) overachiever but also a people-pleaser. So you may be able to imagine that I expected myself not only to get all these things done, but to exceed all expectations anyone could ever have.

And what happened? Exactly. I lost my motivation, felt stressed out, and couldn’t find it in my heart to take time for yoga, writing, recording my own meditations, or doing anything else that my starving soul would have considered as food. I certainly did everything I signed up for since I’m not someone to let people down (what would they be thinking). But apart from that I mainly slept in and binge watched series. When I look back now it feels like I wanted everything and ended up doing nothing. As if I needed to do things so perfectly that they sucked out all my energy and sent me back to being a couch potato afterwards.

I don’t know if it’s the fresh new moon energy from August 11, the brilliant meditation retreat I attended in July, or just the fact that I had a summer break, but I’m glad to say that I got back to my senses. I’m still an assistant, still supposed to be writing my thesis, still a meditation teacher and student, still involved in an active personal life. I also decided not to give up on this blog. What I gave up on instead is the idea of doing things perfectly (well, for now at least). I don’t have to be employee of the month, I don’t have to write my thesis in one year, I don’t have to be loved and liked by everyone and those who do love and like me will do it either way. Love is not transactional. I’ve known these things for a long time but somehow they slipped my mind.

This post doesn’t feel finished but I’m done writing it, so I’m gonna hit the publish button anyway and go do some Yoga instead. Without proofreading it again. If you find mistakes you’re allowed to keep them. Not being a perfectionist ist kind of refreshing. 🙂

Much love,
Martina

 

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